


The Third One Ducked

by ConfessionForAnotherTime



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, Innuendo, M/M, Referenced Daddy Kink, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-03
Updated: 2016-01-03
Packaged: 2018-05-11 09:05:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5621512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConfessionForAnotherTime/pseuds/ConfessionForAnotherTime
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So three snipers and a smart ass walk into a bar.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Third One Ducked

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Elvie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elvie/gifts).



\---

It wasn’t just that Felix and Locus walked into a bar, but they wandered into a bar on the outskirts of the space station, expecting the place to be empty. They figured most people had been out late the night before and while the two of them had been figuring out their last set of kills before starting on a new mission, they came across a pair… a pair that made them stop. They had to be Agents of some kind, if they were strutting around in armor like that. The sniper rifle on the white one made Locus move a little slower and Felix kept a hand on his knife. The two of them sat opposite the pair at the bar, keeping several seats between them. The one in the blue armor cheerfully waved at the two new patrons. Felix and Locus set their helmets on the bar, looking at each other and back at the other two.

“Hello there, aren’t you two just a bright ray of sunshine! First round of drinks is on us.” Florida held up his glass.

“Nah dude we’re good. _We_ don’t swing _that_ way. _We_ can buy our _own_ drinks.” Felix looked over at Locus and back to the other two. He jabbed his thumb at the blue one. “Is he making a pass at us?” he asked loudly.

Locus let out a sigh, ordering a Tie Me to the Bedpost while Felix grinned at the other two, not breaking eye contact with the blue armored guy as he ordered.

“I want a Four Horsemen.” Felix nodded, putting his knife out on the table. The bartender leaned over.

“Sir, I need to see your ID.” Felix stabbed his knife into the bar. “Nevermind, I don’t need to see shit.”

“Damn fucking right you don’t.” Felix eyed the bottles of Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, Johnny Walker, and Jose Cuervo as the bartender poured them into the glass without ice. He took a little more time making Locus’ drink and Felix left his Flex card on the bar for the bartender to charge later.

“So I’m Florida,” the blue one said, waving again. “This here is Wyoming. We’re out on shore leave from our… _job._ But we figured we would spend some time in the local bar.” He eyed Felix’s drink.

“I’m Felix. This is Locus. Your names are stupid.” Felix drank down his four shots of alcohol and grimaced, sticking his tongue out of his mouth after. “Delicious,”  he growled while coughing. The bartender slid Locus’ drink over.

“Well, that’s not very nice of you. Sounds like you want one of Daddy’s spankings.” Florida flipped his braid over his shoulder, turning to face Felix. Locus just shook his head and Wyoming snorted, shaking his head as well to mirror Locus.

“ _Daddy’s_ spankings? Just because I’m short doesn’t mean I’m going to live out _your_ fetish, ya fucking creep.” Felix ordered another drink, a Bahama Mama Sunrise, not taking his eyes off Florida. He jumped down from his stool, taking the drink with him once the bartender put it up. “Instead of you touching my ass, how about we settle this properly?”

“Oh, and how do you suggest that, little one?” Florida smirked, jumping down from his stool as well.

“I’m not fucking little. You’re just as tall as I am. Well, unless you have a little extra there making you taller in your boots.” Felix downed half of the drink where he was standing, setting it back over by Locus for safe keeping.

“The only place I have extra is in my pants. Wanna see?” Florida asked as he licked his lips, taking a step towards Felix. Felix bristled and took a step back, turning to Locus.

“Maybe, we should find a different bar.”

“Maybe, you shouldn’t run your mouth.” Locus took another sip of his drink, tipping his glass to Wyoming.

“Maybe, you should shut up. I’m going to go fight this guy.” Felix fumed and pulled several of his knives out of his tactical pack. He turned back to Florida. “No I don’t wanna see. Not if you want me to call you _Daddy._ Fucking. Ew. _Why_. Fucking get over here you short little fuck and we’ll settle this and then you shut the fuck up. Okay? Okay.” Felix handed Florida one of his knives and nodded over to the dartboard. He squinted when Florida refused but followed him anyway, throwing his first knife and turning to look at Florida when a throwing axe barely missed the side of his ear. “The fuck is wrong with you!”

“Figured no sense in using your _small_ excuse for a knife when I have what the gentlemen like right here. Isn’t that right?” Florida saluted Wyoming and the man shook his head in annoyance.

“Butch, quit picking fights with the teenagers so that we can finish our drinks and go.”

“I am _not_ a teenager! I will fight you old man and make you eat your fucking mustache! Fuck you!” Felix threw another knife, getting closer to the bullseye than Florida’s axe had. Wyoming turned over to Locus, picking up his gin and tonic and sliding down a few seats so he was closer.

“Is your partner here always full of piss and vinegar, or is just the company I keep that’s making him so lively?” Wyoming shook his glass to get the last of the alcohol out of it.

“Nah. He’s always like this. What about yours?” Locus jabbed his thumb in the direction of Felix and Florida, where Felix was threatening to cut off Florida’s braid and Florida’s smile was growing more menacing as he ground out each polite word.

“Usually he’s a little sweeter, but sometimes people bring out the… best in him. Can’t say I blame him though with the way your little squirrel is nattering on.” The bartender refilled Wyoming’s glass and brought another drink for Locus as the pissing contest continued across the bar.

“Think we should stop this?” Locus asked, starting on his second drink.

“Nah. Let them fight it out for now. May make them calm down a little.”

“At this rate, Felix is going to want to go kill someone so the odds aren’t in your favor.” Locus finished off his drink, heaving a heavy sigh before ordering a shot of vodka, knocking it back. He shook his head, heading over to take his chances between Felix and Florida. Locus had already resecured his helmet as he reached down to pick up Felix and throw him over his shoulder, his other hand holding onto Felix’s helmet. “While I would love to stay and chat, I want to make sure that we all live without the bar catching on fire.”

“I was just going to ask you about the sniper rifle your were carrying is all, mate, but if you and your man need to go, don’t let me keep you.”

Locus set down Felix and took off his helmet. “Sniper rifles huh?” Felix ran back over to Florida, eyeing him angrily and throwing another knife.

“Ha! You can’t even bullseye!” He squinted as Florida threw another axe. “It isn’t fair if your axe knocks my knife off, asshole.”

“Well, bless your heart, looks like I win this one. Looks like I won’t have to bend you over my knee and spank you.” Florida smiled. “Want to play stabscotch?”

“Fuck yeah. I bet you stab yourself more, assfuck. Using an axe and all that shit.”

Wyoming ordered Locus another drink. “Sounds like your friend is in for it now.”

“The hospital bill on this one is going to be terrible.”

 


End file.
